As the dreary days of December draw near, I am surprised to realize exactly how long it’s been – nearly five months – since I’ve posted to this blog. As I walked around the pond today, I wondered if I had become bored with it. Is there such sameness in the seasons that the sense of wonder has gone?

I don’t think that’s it, as the picture above, which I took in August, would indicate. I think it’s this. As nature has seasons, so does a human life. Some phases of life are predictable, such as birth and death. Others are likely to occur – falling in love, or the heartbreak of lost love. A newborn might fill months with joy, or the loss of a parent give you an unnerving sense that their passing aims you at that horizon – exposes you directly to that same, unavoidable fate.

I have found myself, for several years now, in a confluence of changes. What the changes have in common is that none were expected. And it feels to me as if my seasons, and I, have been thrown off course.
I have experienced sorrow. I have felt real fear. I can stand in my own kitchen and be overwhelmed with disorientation – as if nothing is familiar. Key structures in my life have fallen by the wayside. What I presumed for my future does not exist anymore. I am, in this season, lost on my own life path.

Someone once said to me that things that happen to us are simply what they are. What we feel about what happens is just our projection onto those things. That, in and of themselves, the things are nothing. We choose our emotional reaction. A little bit, I understand that. But still, for me, some things are sad, some things are frightening. Some things disorient me.

There have been times when the thought of running away felt like a refreshing idea – to just hightail it.

But what I have choosen to do is to redirect my focus to things that are good and joyful and full of love. I am finding in myself new reserves. And some days I feel a swell of confidence and no fear. And there have been times I have asked for help and had my prayer answered. I have new faith grounded not in religion, but in the power of grace and love.
So, has my absence from the blog been out of boredom with the pond? No. I’ve been busy rebuilding structures – things to set one foot upon – and then the other – to make me feel sure and safe and loved. Tenuously, gingerly, carefully – I am moving forward on a reconstructed path.